22 April 2007

NBA Playoff Preview

It's the NBA playoffs, and you know what that means, kids: more close games, more actual hustle, and more fixed games. I may get an unfair advantage on this preview for having seen the results of four games already, but seriously, its not like any of this matters. (I have the Knicks over the Mets in 6.) ON TO THE PLECTRA!

First, the West:

#1 Dallas vs. #8 Golden State

Seriously? Golden State is supposed to beat them? This is such a nice story, and maybe Golden State will pick up ONE game at home, but seriously? Did you SEE the Mavs this year? I realize GS swept the season series but you honestly can't expect Dallas to not kick their asses. Who, exactly, are the Warriors counting on? Baron Davis is no Swan. Stephen Jackson is no Ajax.

Baseball Furies in five.

#2 Phoenix vs. #7 Los Angeles (Lakers)
This is a sweet rematch of last year's awesome series, only this time Phoenix kicks even more ass and Kobe loves shooting even more. In related news, most of the other Lakers suck as well. While the good news is that Kobe is killing this season with ten games of 50+ points, you may not have realized that only three of those games were against playoff teams (Utah and Houston twice), and not the playoff teams that you need to beat. Maybe Kobe has one game winner left in him, but I seriously doubt Phoenix will let it get that close. Still, you shouldn't rule out the possibility of the league fixing this series to go at least six, so they can milk Kobe for all he's worth, but seriously, fuck that shit.

Suns in five.

#3 San Antonio vs. #6 Denver

I don't have much to say about this series, mostly because I haven't seen either of these teams play. Will this new Iverson cause trouble for San Antonio? Will the Spurs bore the Nugs to death? I honestly don't know much more than this: Denver stole one in San Antonio two years ago, and Tim Duncan is whiny bitch.
Spurs in six?

#4 Utah v.s #5 Houston

As Yale says, this is the "series to watch" in the first round. You may be thinking this is because they are very evenly matched teams, but I think its much more significant that we have Shane Battier vs. Carlos Boozer. Personally, I'm not sure Battier's flopping is at a playoff level yet (He won a totaly of 0 games out of like twelve with Memphis), nor am I sure "Williams to Boozer" has quite as much meaning as "Stockton to Malone." I guess we'll just have to see. I feel like a lot of people are taking Houston since McGrady is 'due' and Utah has no one to guard Yao, and while both of these things are true (as demonstrated in the game last night), I still feel like the series will end in a tie.

Utah in seven? whatever, who cares? The West sucks anyway.

The East, on the other hand, KICKS ASSES.

#1 Detroit vs. #8 Orlando

I don't know what is more mildly interesting; seeing if the Magic will actually win a game or seeing how everybody in Detroit will react to Grant Hill and Darko's homecoming. Neither of these storylines interest me in the least. They only really exciting thing is the prospect of JJ choking for the first time as a professional.

Pistons in four.

#2 Cleveland vs. #7 Washington

I understand why people are upset Gilbert is not in the playoffs, but you know what? I hate Gilbert Arenas, and I think he's a huge asshole. There, I said it. Fuck him and his fucking knee or whatever fuck he busted. Asshole. I would have loved to see him on the free throw line while LeBron whispers some more sweet nothings in his ear. Piece of shit. And I hope he doesn't make the world championship team either. ech.

Cleveland in five.

#3 Toronto vs. #6 New Jersey
Since they're all fucking playing best of seven now its almost impossible for upsets to occur, except when these conditions are met:
a) Toronto sucks

This being said, Jason Kidd still beats his (ex-)wife, Vince Carter is a homosexual pedophile and Stephon Marbury is a better basketball player than either of them. It is raining outside.

Nets in six.

#4 Miami vs. #5 Chicago

I've been waiting all week to say this: "Although Chicago has been the sexy pick to win the East this year, I'm not sure they have what it takes." This was before game one. This will be a sick series, from the window to Luol.

Chicago in seven.

So basically that's it. I want to see more of all of these teams before I go any further but I will be rooting for Dallas over Cleveland (though right now, I think it will be more along the lines of Phoenix over Detroit).

Other News:

I don't know what you're doing next Tuesday night at nine (don't worry, Idol is at eight), but Law & Order: Criminal Intent (the one with Vincent D'onofrio and Chris Noth) is doing the Anna Nicole Smith thing and David Cross is playing her the Howard K Stern character. Yea, you read that right. Mark your calendars, people.

The Mets lost another series to the Braves already this season. Kelly Johnson (who touched us up for two dingers) apparantly remarked that the rivalry was back this season, and I can't say I'm happy with how it's gone so far. Last season they put up a pretty good fight, but we need to act like some real fucking champions and step it up against them. Our problems were mostly bullpen-related, and I'm starting to really miss Duaner and the rest of the competent staff from last year. Feliciano and Schoenweis kindof both suck and Heilman's post-traumatic-molina-disorder is getting kind of out of hand.

I saw Greg Paulus wearing a Michael Jordan Wizards jersey today, and I looked at him and shook my head. I wanted to spit on him, but I didn't want him to cry in front of Griffin Tormey, who is probably his last remaining friend on the team. I swear, that kid is fucking asking for it.

sleep tight.

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